Remembering.......

To My Beloved Son Daniel:

You have spoken from the soft place of your heart tonight. It is called compassion and it is a character that you seem to have arrived with, at birth.

As a very small child, you would become very concerned for another child whom was suffering. They say that "TRUE" compassion for others, is not really developed until age 3+. I remember when you were only 18 months old, sick and in the hospital, you would so endearingly ask me, "where's the baby's mommy" when you saw them crying alone in there beds. You would become very sad. When you were two, you would go and climb into the beds of other sick children to cheer them up! When you were three and had learned the rules.."such as no climbing into other patience beds", you would pass toys to them through the bars, and sing them songs and act silly...just to cheer them up. When you would leave the hospital to go home, you would give all your treasures, treats and toys to the other children, so they might have a happy good day. I think that your heart often ruled your head, when you saw true suffering.

Tonight as I read your blog Dan, I found myself eyes watering up at your tender, precious kindness. I do believe that giving needs to be without judgment, once we have decided to give, to another, we do not need to control the situation, so that we are not taken advantage of. ( Of course we are not talking of someone who is cheating or stealing from us), who is not in a greater need then us. Dad had that experience: a taxi driver lying to him, and faking the amount Dad had payed ...etc. That is a different kind of greed.
I do agree, that when you are poor and hungry and downtrodden, the desperate feelings you have for the "wanting" can be read as "greed".

When I was a child, we were the poorest white folk I knew (I say "white", because the Native kids were as poor). It was terribly hard, to never look as nice as the other little kiddies, and to never have the food that they had. It was hard to go to school and not have my own pencil nor notebooks and have the teacher mad and 'put out' with me.

Every once in a while, someone would take pity on me....there were two kinds of people who helped. One kind, would try to tell me how I needed to treat and appreciate what they did. They often wanted many thanks and praise. They would express that they were awesome for helping and that they would help more if only my parents tried to resolve there finances better and get a grip on things.....work harder and do more, cause people like themselves could only give so much, if they(my parents) did nothing for their-self.


As a very poor child, these people made me feel great shame. They damaged my self-esteem even greater, then it was. My needs often being so great, I complied, I thanked them and always promised to do better! I never did do better, and often did worst, due to my emotional downing!

Then Daniel, there was the other kind of giver. This person would hand me what ever it was that I needed. They would make no request, ask no questions, but simply seem happy to give, and let it be. That was a good day for me. I felt liked I was cared for. As strange as it may seem that such an intimate feeling could come from and for a stranger...it came just the same. Sometimes someone might actually give me money. I would always take that money and rush to the candy store and buy CANDY. One may say, "sakes alive", why not get that pencil you so needed? I wanted the CANDY not just because it tasted good, but because it made me feel normal, and special all at the same time. Then that made me feel happy!! I think that every little child needs to feel happiness and joy. I loved it when people dropped of things at our house for us to have, and we never knew who they were. Or when the exceptional person would bring us treats and food and seemed delighted to do it. You can feel those things so deep...it gives human dignity a place within despair.

I think when you make up your mind to give, whether it be a little or a lot, the most important thing in tha,t is HOW you give it. If you cannot or will not give it cheerfully and without the need for something for yourself, then you are no doubt best to just not say anything or give anything at all. BUT if you TRULY can freely give, and cheerfully give, then I can tell you, you have made a difference to someone, somewhere.

I often think of the story of the little girl who walked on the beach after a great storm. And hundreds and hundreds of starfish were tossed way up on the high sands. Knowing that they were living creatures and knowing that the sea would never wash in far enough to bring them back out to the sea,where they needed to be in order to live, she began picking them up and tossing them back in the water.

In a distance a man was watching her, shaking his head in dismay, he approached her.

"You know" he said, "there are Waaay to many of these starfish for you to put them all back, it cannot be done. In the end all your work will not make any difference"

She stood up and looked at him. Then her eyes looked at all the starfish around her. The one that she held in her hand, she tossed into the water and said to the man,

"Well it made a difference to that one, now didn't it"

The man had to smile, so he leaned down and pick up a star fish and tossed it into the sea, and he add;

"and to that one too!"

You Daniel, are like that little girl...you made a difference to someone, you may not have changed a life, nor a people, but you might have filled a belly, or brought some happiness to that one person, and in that one moment, a difference was made.

I hope that my expressed feelings will help you not to feel so far away, and you realized that you did share this moment beautifully. Do know, that you are heard by those who know you best and those that love you the most.

You my son, are a fine, loving man. . As a little poor girl, you were the kind of human being that I would have hoped might has passed my way too!

I am proud to be your Mom. May God continue His work through you, and enlighten your heart even more. XOXOXOXOX

Your Mother