Sunday, July 3, 2011

On Anxiety, Life & Love (Goodbye China)

For the first time in the last three years, I have awoken on Canadian soil for Canada day. It feels great to be here.
The last few years have given me a much greater appreciation for the country that I was born in. It’s easy enough to site things like universal health care, and a good public education system as reasons why Canada is a good place to be born, but it goes beyond that. Canadians have a way of being kind and friendly, accepting and generous that is not seen in many other places on this planet
Though I have enjoyed my life in China for the last three years, I have to say that this last was a year that I found difficult. I shouldn’t be complaining. While living on a tropical island, I made great money, had a beautiful midyear vacation, and on most days left work before noon. However, like anything else, I believe that it is a person’s perception and actions that shape their experience more than the things happening around them.
The difficulty for me was dealing with employers who had no experience dealing with a professional from the west. The contract which Vicky and I held entitled us to salaries about six times larger than our Chinese counterparts. We were then also entitled to housing provided by the school. Over the summer, the school renovated one of their apartments for us and presented them with an air of pride. They were not very nice looking, were in poor repair, and were filled with terribly uncomfortable furniture (our couch was solid wood). I can truly understand their confusion and disappointment when we informed them it would not be possible for us to live there.
They gave in reluctantly and managed to find us the lovely spot you have all seen pictures of this year. Unfortunately this was not the last time we would have to tell them their plan was unacceptable. When our first paychecks were deposited in our accounts, they were short. As stipulated in our contract, our salaries were to be paid to us in RMB, but were to be calculated based on a figure in Canadian dollars. The school had chosen to use the banks rate for buying Canadian dollars (if you walk into a bank with $100, let’s say they will sell you ¥630). However, I argued that because we were promised a certain pay in Canadian dollars, that the school was obligated to calculate our RMB based on the banks price for selling Canadian dollars (if you walk into the same bank, they will sell you $100 for ¥665).
In the end we were again given our way, but it took an enormous number of e-mails to various people, refuting arguments and making counter arguments… The whole thing was a big headache, but one that would have been rather costly had we chosen not to fight for what we were promised.
The next conflict came with healthcare costs. Our contract stipulated that we would have basic health insurance; the school provided us with a policy giving 85% reimbursement after the first ¥1000. However, a hospital visit in China is likely to never cost that much (about $160). Again, e-mail arguments had to be sent back and forth…
I could go on and on with these stories, but I think you likely have a feeling for the way I had to handle our business. I am the kind of teacher who enjoys showing up for work, because I like working with kids. Though I can handle myself just fine in business, being locked in constant conflict with the people who sign your checks is a recipe for anxiety.
Now anxiety is nothing new for me, but it’s usually due to internal pressure, based on taking on an oversized workload. However, conflict anxiety is for me, a whole other beast. I began to maul my conflicts over in my head, near round the clock. While watching TV, my attention would be constantly divided between my show and imagining what I would say to someone if a certain situation were to arise. I began losing sleep and living in an almost constant state of anxiety.
I had a number of long talks with Mom and Dad about it, and they could tell that my stress was at an unhealthy level. Mom pointed out that I was obsessing over the problems in my life, even after a point when an issue had been resolved. Doing some research I found that anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder are generally treated using the same drugs. That rather large family of chemical coping aids is known as anti-depressants. Although I felt anxious most of the time, I did not feel sad or alone (ie I was not depressed), but I figured some pills might be worth a shot.
After reading on a number of drugs, I settled on mirtazapine. On the first night I took it, I was amazed at how stoned it made me feel. It also has the added side affect (benefit) of making me very sleepy. I slept a ton in the first few days, and felt stoned for a good week, but as my body adjusted to the serotonin-reuptake-inhibitor, I began to feel more normal. The medication has indeed helped me to let go of issues more easily (a good thing, because lots of things arose in our last few weeks), but I never feel quite like myself. I would say it’s like being really lightly stoned all the time.
A few weeks back Andre came to stay with V and me for a week, and we talked about my anxiety and medication at length. As we were talking Andre pointed out that none of my anxiety seemed out of place to him, and I came to the realization that my disease was not a matter of physical malfunction, but rather of life malfunction. I will be the first to admit that my internal chemistry may become askew more easily then the chemistry of others, but I think my chemistry was telling me something “you don’t want to become this guy”.
In our last school, I was locked in conflict far too often. I like being kind and generous with people. I like being patient, and I enjoy being in a place where there’s no need to sweat the small stuff. When you work with people who are not trust worthy, and are constantly trying to save a buck at your expense, you are left with a choice. You can fight for what you feel you deserve, or you can just chill and except everything as it comes. I’m not certain what the right choice is. Neither is a good choice. Perhaps the right choice is simply to leave.
And so; here I am. In Canada, on a summer vacation, and am reducing my daily dose until I am off the stuff. I am told you are not supposed to quit cold turkey…
The people we were working with were not bad people, rather, they are from a culture that promotes supporting those at the top, in a more open fashion than our own culture does. However it is a cultural difference that I am not willing to deal with.
Andre told me about a similar story about dealing honestly with employees at his school. An American teacher had been hired to come to his university and teach for a year. It was stated in the contract that the school was responsible for the visa application process, when the teacher arrived, they found that the paperwork had not been done correctly. The final stage of the application process involves the teacher, the school secretary had checked off that this was to be done in America, not China. The Chinese are not the kind of people to disregard official paperwork or stamps, and so the teacher was told that he would have to fly back to the states on his own dime, and then back to China again.
In Canada, our thought process would be “the school made the mistake, it is only reasonable that the school bear the burden of the flight cost” in China the thought process is instead “The secretary who made the mistake is related to the mayor, if she is blamed for the mistake, the mayor will lose face so she cannot be blamed. Also, it would be unreasonable for the secretary to pass the blame onto any of her superiors, as it is unthinkable that someone would cause their boss to lose face… the only solution left… blame the teacher.”
I know when my stress level feels difficult to deal with, it helped that I knew others who had also found their stress unmanageable at some point. If any of you ever find your lives feeling upside down, know that it happens to me sometimes (and to many others). My ears and heart are always open to all of you.
It feels great to be back in Canada. I feel happy and relaxed. Vicky and I aren’t yet sure where we will go next, but we are looking at Canadian options.
In about 2 weeks I’ll fly out to meet Dad in Moncton and we’ll drive across (most of) the country together. At the end of the trip I will have a short visit with the rest of my family before returning to Vancouver Island for two weeks, and then… The wedding. I am very excited for it all. I am really happy that everyone will be there.

I love you all and can't wait to see you.

Dan

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